My best friend’s birthday is tomorrow; a big birthday, the 25th one.  She’s blogging about her thoughts on it over at unquietheart.com.  It’s funny, as I read her thoughts on the blahness I said out loud “me too,” to no one but my boss’ dog who just looked at me funny before giving his balls another tongue bath. 

Perhaps the weather is affecting me.  It’s been so wonky and I feel like fall was really short and I didn’t have a lot of time to adjust to the temperatures, early sunsets, or dry skin.  I haven’t felt quite right for several weeks now.  I thought going home to see my family for Thanksgiving would help, and it did, for a while, but again I find myself encompassed in the overwhelming feeling of… blah… 

A couple weeks ago, a very good friend of mine resigned from a position in an organization that we are both very involved in.  Upon his resignation, I took over the position and I’m effectively running the organization.  My feelings on this range from totally thrilled to completely overwhelmed, to content, to sad.  I’m sad my friend had to resign, I’m sad his feelings were hurt in the process.  I’m really sad he feel embracement or a sense of failure.  He’s my friend; I don’t like to see him hurt. 

On the other hand, I’m really excited about what I can do with this position.  I feel like I’ve already done a lot in the three weeks since I took over.  We’ve got a lot to do as an organization, but I feel like we’ve made some good early decisions that will help us get on track.  In my first week I was able to travel for a national meeting of all the state organizations.  I had a total blast!  I met some many interesting people, participated in a lot of activities, and I learned a shit-ton.  I wish I could tell you more, but if I told you what state-wide organization I served as president for, a quick google search would end my anonymity.  It was easier when I was the second in command; there was a lot more anonymity available to the chick behind the scenes. 

You know, now that I think of it, I’ve always been the chick behind the scenes; in my professional life and in my personal life.  I’m that girl, the one you can count on.  I’m used to ghost writing some else’s speech.  If there’s a big fancy meeting, rest assured I’ll be wearing a headset and mic as I give orders to the staff.  I take care of the details, make things happen, I’m dependable, the one always standing in the back of the crowd encouraging people to get closer to the stage.  And even in my personal life, I feel like I fill the role as the supporter, the one you go to when you need advice, the one you call when you need money (which is ironic since I have none), the girl you call when you have to do that big scary thing like get an HIV test or confront a signficant about unfair treatment.  I’ve been that girl for a long, long time. 

I am lucky, however,  that I do have great relationships with a few that are give and take, support-ful and supportive.  These relationships are very precious to me.  There are a handful of people in this world that I feel completely comfortable with.  There are people I want to hug all the time and sit up late into the night talking about years passed.  These people make my life easier, happier, more fulfilled, and I am thankful for them.   

Especially since now, things seem really different.  I’m the girl on stage.  I’m the one sending out press releases, headlining fundraisers, hobnobbing with the big-wigs.  It’s a very surreal place to be, especially if you’re not used to it.  I find that I’m doing ok, but I can get overwhelmed.  When I was in NH a few weeks ago, I spoke with the President of our national group (the REAL big dog of our organization which is made up of nearly 1 million members and has an operating budget of over 5 million a year).  I asked him for some advice, taking over midterm, feeling like a fish out of water, overwhelmed and wanting desperately to do a good job. 

“Surround yourself with people you can trust.  Everything will work itself out from there,” he said.     

Excellent advice, I think.  So I did.  I have fired people on my executive board (although I don’t know if you can fire people from a volunteer position, but whatever) and replaced them with people I trust, people who I can confide in.  And for two weeks, I was flying!  Decisions were made left and right, drafts where filling my inbox for programs we want to launch.  Conference calls followed conference calls on subjects spanning from campaign programs to chapter building to fundraising.  Three hour phone calls of brainstorming, TWO notebooks filled with thoughts, 15 emails a day on DIFFERENT subjects… I’m getting a lot done.  And then yesterday, I hit a wall.  Maybe I hit it two weeks ago and I’m just now starting to feel the affects of it. 

I feel lethargic.  I’m pretty stressed out and I know this, so I’m not completely in the dark about why I’m feel this way.  But things just don’t seem right.  Three nights ago, I had another of these really long conversations with one of my most trusted advisers in the org.  We came up with some pretty groovy plans to raise us some doe (we need it).  After the conversation I felt jazzed.  I had so much energy I was pacing (and talking to myself) trying to figure out who I needed to get in touch with about this particular project.  My roommates gave me a wide birth but I know I was behaving abnormal, even for me.  I made myself dinner and was able to carry on conversation with my roommates that did not involve the project I was working on, but I still felt all jittery and unable to relax.  To rectify this, I indulged in 2 glasses of wine.  I was not drunk (2 glasses, please!), I wouldn’t even say I was buzzed, but I did feel relaxed.  I was able to enjoy the rest of the evening (Chuck and Heroes on NBC if you must know) with my roommates and our friend B. without feeling like a crazy person. 

The next day I felt ok, but kind of blasé about things.  Work was hard that day, I had no motivation.  I thought it was the org. creeping into my mind, but I wasn’t particularly motivated to do anything with that (although I did).  That night I felt tired and stressed.  I made myself dinner again, did some work online, and tried to unwind by watching two episodes of House, I had DVR’d.  I went to bed around 11, a perfectly reasonable time and I slept fine. 

However, I woke up yesterday feeling just totally disinterested in everything.  I’m a morning person by nature, I know we are a rare and twisted breed, and generally speaking I’m pretty agreeable in the morning and I actually do a lot of my personal stuff (pay bills, email family members, write posts for this blog) in the morning before I leave for work.  But yesterday, I don’t know, just couldn’t find the motivation.  As my dad progressed I found myself bored, even though I had A LOT of things I could be working on.  I felt blah.  

Getting home from work is usually this pretty fun time.  My roommates are great and we always great each other warmly and swap stories about our days.  And of course, we have the most adorable dog on the planet, Mushoo (he’s a Shitzu, funny right?) who turns me into a melted pile of goo while I chant in my best baby voice “Who’s a good boy?”  We usually fight over who’s turn it is to walk him before making dinner together and sitting down for a relaxing evening.  I’m lucky to have them and I’m lucky for that time. 

Yesterday, I got home, mopped about, laid down on the couch to watch Jeopardy, and that’s it.  I just laid there.  Both my roommates asked if I was alright, if I was feeling ok, I was.  They asked if I was upset, not really.  Was I depressed, I don’t think so.  Did I need a hug, well I never turn down hugs.  But really, I couldn’t pin point a reason.  Somewhere around 9:15 I feel asleep on the couch and according to my roommate P. I snored through all the good scenes of Pushing Daisies.  I went to bed at 10:00 and feel asleep before I could change the channel to watch South Park.  Again, I woke up at my normal time and again I feel blah.  And I have no idea why. 

Am I too stressed out?  Maybe. 

Am I depressed about my failed relationship?  Yeah, a bit. 

Am I upset about eating the brownie for breakfast instead of something healthy?  Oh yeah. 

Am I disappointed that I have to miss my best friend’s 25th Birthday because of my new position?  Yes, very much so.  She’s very understanding, but I’m the best friend, I’m supposed to be at those things. 

Am I worried about finding a new job?  YES.  This really worries me actually. 

Maybe all these things are just too much for me.  Who knows.  I need to work some of that shit out.  Get my head clear.  And I need to shake off these blahs, I just can’t afford to feel this way.